Hey Tiffany...
Welcome (or have you already posted before and I have forgotten???).

Now, not to take sides since don't know the intimate details of your day-to-day relationship so I am just going off of what you wrote:

I am not a fiance or partner of a sufferer but a sufferer myself so I am not sure I will really give you the perspectifves you need.

Firstly, I think your frustrations are legitimate and valid. I think at least part of the reason my ex-girlfriend and I broke up is relaed to my OSA. And that was before I decided to take responsiblity for it. I remember not being able to drive more than 20 minutes without nodding off - falling asleep waiting at red lights - falling asleep wherever I layed down and not feeling at all better after snoring for 5 hours - not letting my ex get any sleep because my snoring was driving her insane - being cranky and falling into deep depression - barely making it through a work day and constantly worried the next time I got called in to see the boss it was to let me go because I kept falling asleep at my desk. These are common and dangerours consequences of untreated apnea and I am so relieved your fiance didn't die in his crash. How horrible! My heart goes out to you both.

Now, i doubt the perspective my ex had is reflective at of you at all so please take this as a way to set up a context and not at all as a reflection on you (none whatsoever). My ex didn't liked the weight gain I had associated with my serious lack of energy and will power which I now realize was due to my apnea. So, she used to gently but regularly talk to me about my weight and, unfortunately, that played a factor in our ultimate breakup. But, I do remember wanting to take care of myself but lacking the energy and will to do so (because I was so f--king tired all the time). And, I remember telling her that I thought she was reallky pushing me. Now, just in case - this is not meant as a way to hint at my assesment of you at all. I just want a way to explain my next set of thoughts...

Having apnea creates all sorts of problems both physical and psychological. One of them is a feeling that you are unable to do anything or get out of a rut. I think it is because apnea sufferers are often very, very tired and burnt out and it is common for apnea sufferes to have mild to severe clinical depression and related anxiety disorders. So, although you are not pushing him or being unreasonable, he might feel really defensive because its something he knows is a problem but feels he is unable to really do much about. If other apnea sufferes are also like me at all, you start to build this strong stubborness in trying to fight off the effects of sleep deprivation - I think this is related to the fatigue and depression that comes with severe OSA. You can become sort of this weary, beat up warrior that has been struggling so long he has forgotten what it is like to be rested, healthy and clear headed so you just keep blindly pushing forward in a perpetual haze.

I don't know your fiance at all so I have no way of commenting on him so take these as blanket, anecdotal type comments:

- Dealing with OSA therapy was one of the hardest things I ever tried to do in my life. The therapy sucks. And, quite frankly, it feels embarrasing around people who do not know what OSA therapy is. Honestly, I felt a bit like a freak at first and that alone played a part in my taking a LONG time to comply with my therapy. So, while not a good decision by any means, I can understand why he has avoided seeing his doctor for over a decade.

- This is sick, but I got used to being a zombie. I settled into my depression and constant burnt-out feeling and built a life around it before I considered therapy. I even started to almost feel good about being a foggy headed insomniac. This was, obviously, a very unhealthy approach and I cannot believe it went that far for so long. I am surprised I am still alive.

- I forgot how good it was to sleep. Pretty crazy, huh?!?!

All these things are possible contributors as to why he is avoiding therapy and why it is so hard to get him to open up and deal with it. But while they might help explaing the situation a bit, in no way does it excuse his denial of the need to get therapy. In no uncertain terms, he needs to get some help ASAP (as in yesterday)!!!!! If not for the both of you, then for himself. His apena sounds really bad and it can lead to or aggravate heart conditions and contribue to hypertension.

Given you are still decidedly staying with him (and I could understand totally if you could no longer do this), my first suggestion is don't give up. It isn't your fault, or your responsibility and it is perfectly understandable if you felt he was too much a danger to himself, to you and the people around both of you to continue your relationship. But as long as you stay, don't give up.

At the same time, I suggest trying to point some critical but constructive feedback towards him from other sources besides your own. If he was like me, he knows his condition is a particular threat to the quality of the relationsihp between the two of you (even if he never admits it or shows it plainly) and the fear of letting it come to such a crossroads has him trying to brush it off and ignore it is much as possible. Remember, he might feel very internally frustrated because he lacks the energy or the information to really tackle this head on and feeling very opressed by the apnea itself (as he never chose to get or did anything wrong to get it). And, even if he does not show it, there is likely quite a bit of self-loathing associated with this sense of helplessnes regarding the interminable fatigue, his relative lack of productivity in many areas of his life, the fact he almost killed himself and could have killed others, and the fact that your fears about this driving are valid and sound.

What made all the difference to me was a concerned male buddy of mine telling me that was worried about my snoring and choking while on a fishing and at the same time relating that some kid at this church had fallen asleep sitting in a pew and smacked his forehead against the back of the pew in front while an ENT who was also at church witnessed the event. The ENT approached the kid and asked a few questions which rang a bell with the kid and led to a quick and important diagnosis of OSA for the kid. For some reason, the lack of the threat of a breakup (even a repressed one), and the "buddy factor" (vs. the girlfriend or family factor) helped me really consider what was hapenning to me with a more open mind.

But I think another factor that might have been just as significant as the "buddy factor" (perhaps even more so) was the fact that I was suddenly confronted with the fact that someone else was suffering also. It made me feel a bit less self-loathing and less like a freak.

Point him here - see if he is willing to read some posts and gain a sense that he is not alone, not a freak, or that this is a flaw on his part. Or find some good message boards on the web and point him there. Here are some links:

www.sleepnet.com/apnea/apneainf.html
www.talkaboutsleep.com/messag...dex.php

Perhaps if he sees and reads about others who are having experiences similar to his, he might open up to the idea of tackling this head on. In the end, there is not much you can do for him until he wants it to happen too. Just know that it is the apnea and sever fatigue that is making him unreasonable and not because he does not love you. At the same time, if you are becoming severely affected by your own sleep-deprivation and your quality of life and temprament have been negatively affected, you might need to consider breaking up for the time being to preserve your own health and sanity, and to not let the tension get so bad that there is no longer any hope of salvaging the relationship in the future.

Will some others respond, please? This is so tricky I hate to be the only one giving any perspective. Please take my thoughts with a grain of salt, Tiffany. I am not a partner but a sufferer myself and I might simlutaneously be both too accomodating and too critical of this situation.

My best wishes and hope go with you.
MC

Tiffany you have found your way to one of the most supportive groups I know..

I give you great empathy and respect for walking this walk with your dear Partner..

it sounds like he has been through an awful lot..and I am wondering if he just cannot deal with dealing with another health crisis!

ya know ..sick and tired of being sick and tired..and not wanting to deal with anymore!


I know I get like that myself..

but if he could understand..it would give him a good part of his life back..

the Wisdom of Mc..from a man's perspective is so important too..

can you get to the bottom of where his fear is coming from about dealing with this issue

I know its probubly a very tricky situation..

but I also think if you could steer him this direction..we would love to meet him..

and help him thru dealing with this issue..

myself..I WAS IN SHOCK..when they told me I had apnea..and that I WOULD HAVE TO WEAR A MASK TO SLEEP..

but now I am a few months into it..and finding my way..in acceptance..and hopefully in time to better health..

I figure it took me..years to get this sick..it will take me time..to..improve..

if the dog would stop barking at night..and let me sleep..THAT WOULD HELP....though last night..I TRIED ROOM CHANGE With him..and it seemed to work..WHEWWWWWWW...what we go thru..for those we loveeeeeeeee...whether ...human or animal!

There isn't a lot I can add to the WONDERFUL things my friends on this tribe have already written. We're all here for you and you're NOT alone!

Tiffany, you are a true gift to your fiance. I've been married to the love of my life for 30+ years and have had OSA for the last 3-4 years at least. My husband NEVER noticed my difficulties sleeping. I had always been a snorer. In fact I could wake the dead with the noise emminating from my snoring. Unfortunately, he did not even know what sleep apnea was and didn't realize how bad mine was or how much danger I was in. It took a girls road trip with 2 of my close friends to have my best friend point out my sleep apnea to me and tell me to see a doctor right away. Your fiance is more than lucky to have you in his life and to know about his OSA and want to help him in all ways possible.

Leah